Story Subtitles

Story Subtitles

bolo project dec 2019 Frustrated

This story is actually pre diagnosis again and this was from one of my first jobs that I joined

and I was only like a couple of months in it and this was a project that I was working on

which was about two to three months long and also it was like a. High profile client and it

this story also talks about my difficulty with writing. And how it comes up in different ways

in the project and kind of impacts me mentally as well. So let's see what happens in this

project which caused so much. Madness and trauma for me. So this project had long

working hours and we were at its last leg of the project as well. So there was a lot of

fatigueness from a couple of months that has already built. Up. Across the project I have

been quite diligent working and organizing aspects of it, executing a lot of it with my lead

and figuring out things of how it needs to be done and problem solving. A lot of it had a

steep learning curve in this project and absolutely would remember that. But the last

aspect of the project was to consolidate all the research findings that we had found from

the two-month long research that we conducted and we needed to write down like a report

where. Things started to like. Break apart for me here and. And. We are supposed to be

writing a lot of the information editing, aligning things to make it perfect. And that's where I

struggled. I was unable to keep up with the. Pace because it was very tiring or we were

working day and night and I was making a lot of mistakes because writing and fatigueness

together was. Deadly combination. So it started affecting my performance. I was not able

to finish the task properly. There was a lot of chaos that I was causing in the project.

Somebody had to like redo my work again because it was me who did it. My team did was

getting frustrated which I can totally understand. We were working in high pressure

situations. And kept calling me out in front of everybody. And I started to feel like I was

being targeted, which I was because I was causing so much problems in the work that was

happening in a short span. I'm starting to feeling very shameful, anxious, annoyed of myself

as I questioning why is this happening to me and what's wrong. And what has changed

suddenly and after, like two months of me working so hard? At it. So yeah, I started to build

up a lot of frustration towards my own self. I tried not to mess things up, started feeling

very inadequate. In that whole process. A lot of self loathing also came into being and so

much self esteem was. Tampered with and I started to like, really? Questioned myself and

I'm like, am I able to do this job? I've just joined. How can I mess up it like I've been doing

so? Well, what's happening? So I said, questioning myself a lot and this. Experience really

helped me understand retrospectively that why things kind of broke down for me. And now,

now that I know about it, like I understand why things were happening the way it was

happening. But it was a very scarring memory and also a strong one. I have moved away

from it and moved ahead of it as well, but it is. Something that I can't forget. But yes, I have

learned to move ahead. That's what I can say. Let's move to next page for emotions.