Story Subtitles

Story Subtitles

critical theory class -complex reading Self doubt

So this story has happened quite recently after my diagnosis. After I have joined my Masters program.

There was a class called Critical Theory. And it was an interesting class. I learned a lot, improved my way

of looking at things, but that class was really heavy on reading and writing. And you can see like there's

so much reading that we need to do per week. So let's see how it feels like to be in this class for a week

with me. We get readings every week. I was reading through multiple readings. Some were really

interesting as well, but the first week the reading we had was very complicated, very wordy, challenging

to read. I also realized I didn't understand a lot of it because lack of context. About the reading and I did

read the text multiple number of times and we know how challenging this whole task generally is for

me. And I kept reading it. But still I couldn't understand. I was like what's wrong with me? Why is it

happening? Why can't I understand English? And I started to have like a lot of self doubt on myself and

my abilities. It's natural because I've been told that I can't do things for so long and I started to get

frustrated with the text. But I was like, OK, I don't want to give up. I tried really hard to like. Need again

put more attention, but I wasn't able to finish the text. I eventually made a couple of notes. And went to

the class, then and then I realized the text was genuinely really challenging for everyone, just not me,

but because I doubted myself and my abilities have not been great and all the push that I have received

all along has been also quite bad. I started to feel that I'm stupid. You don't know how to read what's

wrong with me, and I've been told for so long that I why can't I read things properly? What's wrong with

me so? There has been a lot of shame, frustration already that exist because I've been feeling

incompetent a lot of number of times, a lot of things that I can't do really well. So I don't know. So I kept

feeling like that, but. You can't help yourself to go back into the loop where you're told that you can't do

things, so I think that's exactly what happened with me. Started blaming myself even though I know why

this is happening, but it's really hard. To judge in that moment when it's happening, but when I think

about it now, it was stupid for me to, like, put it on me. So yeah, it is kind of crazy, but learning to deal

with it slowly. It's going to happen. Lets move to next page for emotions